Driving Your Life into a Hole

Here are just a few of the things I repeat to myself over and over again:

• I hate this life.
• I hate who I am.
• I hate who I have become.
• God hates me and I don’t know why.
• God sneers at me.
• I don’t want this life.

These thoughts arise from my sub-conscious mind, and I say them out loud. Sometimes I hear myself say them. Sometimes I don’t.

If The Dhammapada, As A Man Thinketh and Think and Grow Rich are true, which they clearly are, then you can see how screwed I am.

If “our lives are a creation of our minds,” and if we attract into our lives the things we think about in our sub-conscious, then you can imagine how thoughts like these would destroy my life.

Perhaps you’re in the same situation.

While higher-functioning people are able to learn how to modify their sub-conscious mind so they can attract good things to themselves, I am stuck in the same project I’ve been stuck in for twenty years. I’m just trying to put out the fire in my soul. If I could just get the negative to stop, I would be happy.

Being able to create positive thoughts to see how they might affect my life is just a dream.

It will probably never come true for me. And I know that is a negative thing to say. But if you have the same conditions I do, you know exactly what I mean.

One thing I do have that some people may not is the will to keep trying until I’m dead. I’m not going to just lie there and let this condition exist in my consciousness.

I am going to fight back. It has taken years for me to make very small gains. But I will keep at it.

Filed under: 3b. The Horror of Repitition, about, cure, like, obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, therapy