Lost in a Crowd

Depression makes you fundamentally unaware of the people around you.

Even your closest most intimate companions are mysteries to you, because you don’t relate to them as people. They are simply “part of the world” and “the world” oppresses and hates you.

The only thing that matters to a depressed person is the internal dialog. The only relationships you have are with the demons inside of your mind.

Other people are just distractions. You don’t relate to them. You deal with them. You don’t interact with them. You get rid of them.

When you are living within this frame of mind, you do not know that this is how you are interacting with the real world. You couldn’t form the ideas above. You would be immersed in dialog with your demons while physically struggling through your oppression in “the world” that won’t just leave you alone.

Every now and then I would look up from this stupor and see the horizon. I would realize for a moment that this way of being was not something I had to accept. I would imagine what a healthy mindset might be like. And I would plot ways to change my consciousness so it would work correctly.

I’m proud of the fact that I managed to make these moments of clarity accumulate. Over years, some of my plots worked out.

But they were bursts of clarity that might last for a week or a month. They were melodies hovering weakly above the base line of the demon’s discourse.

I would be awake in the world for periods of time, and would try to gather my wits and find a way forward. But then I would move back into an entirely spiritual mode, where only consciousness itself mattered, and material reality in general was a secondary consideration.

Inertia would carry my life forward in society, but as of this moment that inertia has run out and I will be left with nothing but the demons.

It was the classic “fake it till you make it” method. I imagined being mentally healthy, and it primed me for making real transitions. My path has always been three steps forward, two steps back, but there have been steps forward.

I have made permanent changes in my consciousness. But I do not yet perform

Filed under: Uncategorized, asea, consciousness, depression, law of attraction, obsessive compulsive disorder, redox signaling