When I first started working on this blog I kept it private because a lot of it is really embarrassing.
Probably the most embarrassing thing to tell you is that there are these horrible stories in my head that I can’t stop and that I am addicted to.
Literally, it is an addiction. When these stories play through, I have intense experiences. My mind produces all the hormones and chemicals associated with wild lust, savage violence, and demented cruelty.
I’m addicted to these hormones and chemicals and experiences, and so a part of me actively cooperates with my depression. And since I have OCD, I can go through the same thing over and over again, each time reaching another high.
The stories produce the drugs (like adrenaline) that I’m addicted to. So when a story begin a part of me latches onto it because that part wants the drug fix.
This is an unnatural connection between the mind and the endocrine system. There is a natural version of this connection, but my connection has crossed the line to mental illness.
I’m main-lining drugs that I create in my head and I am messing up my relationship to other people and to the universe because I am wasting my consciousness by running puerile crap through it all the time.
Obviously, this is not healthy, especially since these things are going on in my head even while you think I’m acting normal. You can tell there’s something a little “off” about me, but you let it go because I’m so good at masking what I’m going through.
But something is shifting in this phenomenon.
Now, somehow, there is less of a connection between the story and the drug. The connection is breaking down.
This is fundamental and radical for me. Because if there are no drugs, then the addiction does not profit from the story.
Without the addict focusing on the story to get the drug, the whole process that has been destroying my life for decades is undermined.
Fundamentally weakend.
This is fantastic. This is exactly what I need. If the whole chemical process that keeps these awful stories in play all the time breaks apart, then probably the stories will stop.
If the stories stop, then all of the mental discipline I’ve been working on will really work.
I’ll be able to actually act upon the advice that Buddha and James Allan and Napoleon Hill and all the others give us.
I’ll be able to control my thoughts. I’ll be able to fix my consciousness on the thoughts that will build the life that I want. I’ll be able to get that positive feedback loop working, rather than suffering under a negative feedback loop that I can’t control.
Could this really be happening? Could a flood of redox signaling molecules actually be having this effect on my mind?
I think it is. More to follow…
Filed under: 1g. Breakdown of the Negative Feedback Loop?, as a man thinketh, asea, consciousness, cure, depression, james allan, OCD, redox signaling, thearpy, think and grow rich